Thursday 1 January 2015

My Least Favourite Films of 2014

10. I Origins
Nonsense with knobs on; best remembered as the film that cast Michael Pitt as a brilliant scientist called Ian, and then had to hand him a pair of Intelligence-Signifying Spectacles to back up the claim.

9. Miss Violence
The fag end of the Greek New Wave, of interest solely to masochists.

8. Common People
DaveCam's Big Society: The Movie. As a critic, you take no particular joy in kicking well-meaning community projects like this; you just have to sit there, suck up the interminable tweeness, try not to swallow your own fist along with it, and then let it die a flailing death at the box-office.

7. The Anomaly
Because this year, Noel Clarke had a go at a sci-fi.

6. Blended
An unhappy reunion for Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore, shambling around an African holiday resort amid flatulent non-gags, charmless child performers and horrible racial stereotypes.

5. Mrs. Brown's Boys: D'Movie
Just d'ont.

4. Third Person
In which Paul Haggis went from Crash to car crash. If I could remove one image from my memory banks this year, it would be that of hunky writer/Haggis surrogate Liam Neeson grinding between Olivia Wilde and another unfortunate girl in a Parisian nightclub. 

3. 3 Days to Kill
Even this year's "good" Luc Besson production - Lucy - might only be considered good in the context of Besson's recent, sewage pipe-like output. Here, he returned to churning out abject crap, this time with McG at the helm and Kevin Costner trying out the Neeson role of Poundland Jack Bauer. Even the audiences it was pandering to turned their backs on it.

2. Think Like a Man Too
Honking non-com persisted in pitching itself roughly two hundred decibels above average viewer tolerance. Gave us the sight of Kevin Hart dancing to a Pitbull song in his underpants. Couldn't even spell "Two" right.

1. Almost Married
At last, that STD-based romantic comedy we were all waiting for.

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