Common People *Dirs: Stewart Alexander, Kerry Skinner. With: Sam Kelly, Diana Payan, Iarla McGowan. 89 mins. Cert: 12A.
Nowt to do with Pulp, but an excruciatingly twee community project, set on Tooting Common yet so bereft of recognisable human behaviour it could be unfolding in the furthest reaches of the Andromeda galaxy. An am-dram scoutmaster finds ways to distract his precocious charges from retrieving spent condoms; two oldtimers lend their voices to bum-sniffing dogs (“Ruvvery: that’s lovely in dog”); its clumsy Big Society cheerleading peaks with the torturous immigration metaphor sparked by an escaped parakeet. It wears its heart as a toddler does ice cream on a hot day: on its sleeve, down its front and all over its trousers.
Common People opens in selected cinemas from Tuesday.