Diana (12A) *
Directed by: Oliver HirschbiegelStarring: Naomi Watts, Naveen Andrews, Douglas Hodge
Oh dear. The People’s Biopic presumably intended to conjure some
Downton-ish opulence, but it’s mired in terminally bland and credulous
territory, almost a prequel to that risible Wills-and-Kate TV movie. The
misguided startpoint is to reframe Di (Watts, helpless) as a posher Bridget
Jones: a bit dizzy – and clueless in the kitchen – but sensitive and yearning,
qualities she would take into her covert 1995 fling with Hasnat Khan (Andrews),
a worldly heart surgeon straight out of Mills & Boon. Their mutual love of
giggling and jazz enables Henri Paul to emerge from the film as quasi-heroic.
The morbid weirdness dissipates early, after which we’re confronted with
the year’s direst script, forever prioritising gabbled incident – tiffs with
“Buck House”! Landmines! Dodi! – over genuine insight. Banal framing kills off
its every simpering or ripe line of dialogue: Khan’s post-coital warning “If
you can’t stand the fragrance, don’t go into the garden of love” comes one
minute after he’s treated Di to her first Chicken Cottage supper. In a year,
enterprising drag acts will be hosting quote-along screenings everywhere. For
now, it needs leaving well alone – or do you want a Fergie movie on your
conscience?
Diana is in cinemas nationwide.
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