Hard to think it possible, but Green Lantern has competition as 2011’s dreariest blockbuster. If you can make out anything through the usual 3D murk, this gassy origin story will fill you in on how GI Steve Rogers (the non-ginger Chris Evans, digitally tweaked, unalterably bland) went into an army lab a plucky pushover and emerged as the ripped embodiment of American military muscle. Those untroubled by the lack of any non-nerdy dramatic intrigue may even witness some sub-Hellboy action as Rogers parachutes behind enemy lines to do battle with devilish Nazi Hugo Weaving.
Machines once again triumph over human interest, aided by a string of thespian quislings all too visibly keeping an eye out for the arrival of studio accountants with sizeable paycheques: medals of dishonour go to Tommy Lee Jones, utterly disengaged as a grumpy colonel, and Dominic Cooper, sporting a lame moustache as Iron Man’s dad. It’s all exposition, finishing with a teaser for the forthcoming Avengers movie, which promises to unite the Captain with other Marvel icons: by then, you’d need to be in possession of indefatigable buttocks, or the biggest anorak in Christendom, to care.
Captain America: The First Avenger is on nationwide release.
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