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Liam Neeson - the sole adult aboard, and the one proper filmstar here, not that that term counts for much after The A-Team and Clash of the Titans - has as much bearing on and relevance to events as Calvin Coolidge (ask your folks, kids); when he's removed from the chain of command by a comms failure - a too-perfect metaphor for what's going on in the American cinema at large - the film begins to assimilate elements of the Star Trek reboot, as TayTay, RiRi and their classmates become the last front between us and total global destruction. This ingrained ageism makes utterly two-faced - and doubly hilarious - the late-in-the-day decision to bring out of dry dock a crew of septuagenarian Navy veterans (played by actual veterans, making one wonder quite what the Navy expects its people to do to get their pensions these days) to assist in the climactic battle, albeit as subordinates to John Carter Of Mars. Well, maybe it's an attempt to get an older, more patriotic audience to hand over their dollars and help cover the film's considerable marketing spend - but, frankly, my thirtysomething eardrums were beginning to give up the ghost after half an hour of Battleship; I don't think it's too contentious to suggest even those who survived hearing the bombs raining on Pearl Harbor might struggle to stay the course.
Battleship is in cinemas nationwide.
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