What to Expect When You’re Expecting (12A) **Someday, Hollywood will start thinking of women as more than fallopian tubes in heels; until then, we’re stuck with this kind of project, based on a self-help bestseller – of course – and set out in that bitty, crap-estry format Valentine’s Day made regrettably profitable. The labour pains here extend from whitebread reality celebs Cameron Diaz and Matthew Morrison’s disproportionate squabbling about infant circumcision, to an unpersuasively penniless J-Lo’s attempts to adopt from Ethiopia. Brit director Kirk Jones (Waking Ned) keeps it on the sunnier, dopier side of offensive, but it’s still the sort of insight-deficient fluff that thinks the misery of a miscarriage lasts only so long as a sad song, and assumes what women want – beyond babies – are reality show callbacks, a Cheryl Cole cameo and various male telly stars with their tops off. Ladies, you are better than this.
What to Expect When You're Expecting opens nationwide today.